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Pikachu2000
11-02-2012, 01:33 PM
hey guys ive decieded once again have to do a pokemon story but this time its going to be longer!

SO HERE WE GO


it was a warm day in the hoenn region jack as per usuall was playing with his torchick doll "yay torchick use ember" jack had said. But now he was 11 he was alowed to get his own pokemon. "why dont you go see proffeser Birch honey? to see if you can get a pokemon" said Joanne his supportive mother. "great idea mum!"

later......
"YO proffesor you in??"said jack with a loud voice "hello there,what is your name?" said Birch "erm proffeser you know my name it's jack!!!" said jack quite annoyed that someone of great knowlage had forgot his name. "oh yes i remember now"said birch sarcastically "ENOUGH with this just cut to the chase, am i going to get my pokemon???"said jack with a bit of a sence of achievement. "yes i have one left its a torchick" said Birch "YESSSSSSSSSSSS!" said Jack racing around the lab making faces at the other people.

Route where may is
"hey May want to battle? " said Jack being a bit silly. "il crush you my friend'
Trainer May wants to battle. "Go Torchick crush this little girly" May sent out treecko
"torchick use ember" torchick uses ember May's health went to red Treecko used tackle.
torchick's helth was still in green
torchick used tackle
May collapsed with humilation Heres 20 pokebucks

Next part coming soon!
Baby Koga
11-02-2012, 02:28 PM
I liked it! ^-^ There are a lot of spelling and grammar mistake that need to be fixed and you may want to lengthen it out a little bit more. But that's just me being hypocritical! :p It's an interesting writing style and writing like it's from the game is pretty cool! :)
Pikachu2000
11-02-2012, 02:50 PM
thx buttaz
xLoverBoyx
11-02-2012, 05:24 PM
Omfg I love it. Pretty nice story Torhick. :o
Pikachu2000
11-02-2012, 05:24 PM
Omfg I love it. Pretty nice story Torhick. :o

not ova yet
The Kiwi Dragon
11-02-2012, 10:41 PM
I'm rather confused by it actually.
Dhomie
11-02-2012, 11:02 PM
Whats confuzing about it? Anyway I thought it was cool torchic it seemed like you were in the battle as you were reading it
The Kiwi Dragon
11-03-2012, 07:18 AM
It was confusing at the sense it didn't feel much like a story it felt like a game. There is not a smooth transition between the two scenes, which you could fit in rather nicely and it leaves you thinking about how Jack could've said goodbye to his mum, How he went through Route 101, through Oldale Town and onto Route 103. Then a more descriptive battle between Jack and May. A few grammar and punctuation mistakes are present in there too. And I agree with Butters, it does feel like the game of R/S/E and that it needs to be lengthened out.
Dhomie
11-03-2012, 07:24 AM
hmmm I have to admit i have to agree for that but I get what hes trying to do a story explaining a battle scene was a good idea torchick but venom is right about the reading flow of it
Pikachu2000
11-03-2012, 11:44 AM
thx guys il work on it as i think for the next part! :)
Pikachu2000
11-07-2012, 05:17 PM
GUYS NEXT PART at the end of the week i have a science project thats put me behind scedual
Dhomie
11-10-2012, 06:23 AM
Thats wierd I had a science project due this week 2
Pikachu2000
11-15-2012, 04:58 PM
right here goes 2nd part

Route where you have your second battle

"ahhhhhh, i feel refreshed after my night at the pokemon center, did you torchick?"said jack looking like he wanted to battle or catch some pokemon "tor torchick!!!!" said torchick.
dun dun dun dun
Oh its a wild zigzagoon
torhick lower its health so i can catch it
"tor,tor" sid torchick whilst using ember
"right, im gunna catch it"said jack throwing his only pokeball"
as the pokeball jiggles each time jack nervously clenches his fist tighter and tighter it got to the point where it looked like it would explode!
ping zigzagoon was caught
"YES I WON I CAUGHT MY FIRST POKEMON AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW NONE of you puny trainers"
"i better continue"said jack
as jack reaches petlleburg city a boy randomly comes and pushes jack out of the way and said "can you help me!,please"
"sure" jack said
The boy led jack to his dad............................................... ......................................



next pat coming soon did yo like it thnx for the 250 hits it means so much!
Pikachu2000
11-15-2012, 07:27 PM
was rushed soz
Pikachu2000
11-23-2012, 04:47 PM
guys ive decided to scrap this story i have had a brain wave !